Talkings
by You-drive-me-nuts-miller
Summary: Sometimes the things the things that annoy you the most become the things you love the most. Now Nick can express his feelings, he wants to get a few things off his chest - and Jess can't believe it. An accompaniment to 3x04 'The Captain'. A second chapter has now been added!
1. Dear Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You know, sometimes you infuriate me. Like, make me really, really mad. You're so damn positive. I'm not always sure whether that makes you crazy or just really, really likeable. How can you believe that everyone is good? I mean, have you seen the world? It sucks and so do most people.

I think that's the big difference between you and I. You think that people are good. I don't. Well, except you of course.

When we first met your positivity drove me mad. Like, I wanna scream and shout and punch a hole in the wall mad. I just couldn't understand it (and I still don't if I'm honest).

But now? It makes me smile - sometimes in disbelief, but still a smile. You always see the bright side, even when there really isn't one. You're a liability, Jessica. Remember that time in the parking lot? I was sure we were dead. And Remy? How could you not see that coming a mile away? It's a good thing I'm here to look after you. I like protecting you.

I also have to say, the way you're always singing? It used to infuriate me. Constantly – in the shower, cleaning, making a cup of tea – it was like you couldn't stop. I kinda wished you had an off button so I could get some damn peace. Going to work at the bar with a show tune stuck in my head is not great, Jess. Some days I felt like I was living in a kind of weird musical and any moment some dancers were gonna appear in the loft and start prancing around. Urgh.

But then something weird happened. Without realizing, I began to, well, _like _it. Crazy, huh?

I guess it started when you were dating Russell and would disappear for days at a time. I'd get up in the morning and head to the kitchen. When I stepped out into the hallway, my ears would prick up, waiting to hear you humming along to some song that I didn't recognise. Instead all I got was silence and it made my stomach dip a little. You weren't there.

The singing and talking and laughing had gone from annoying to comforting and familiar and, well, nice. And I started to realise that I missed your little quirks.

Damn. That I missed _you_.

You know, at first, I found your mouth annoying; _really _annoying. Besides singing, it was those dumb voices you made and that sing-songy way you would talk when you were nervous.

Most of all, I hated when you argued with me. Man, you drove me mad! Every word that spilled from your lips would make my blood boil with more rage. Always, always criticizing me – expecting me to be something I wasn't, or thought I couldn't be... At least, not then.

I guess I was so preoccupied with all this it took me awhile to notice the color of your lips – I've never seen such a ripe, blood red. The curve of your cupids bow was difficult to notice when you talked so much. But I did, along with the fullness of your bottom lip; the one you chew on when you're deep in thought.

And you know what? I also began to notice the nice things. The way you encouraged me when I was feeling low. Your belief in me – though I thought you were crazy –was strangely comforting.

Now I realize you just have a weird kind of faith in me (why? I don't deserve it…). And it was one night, after we had fought over my lack of direction in life that it occurred to me. Your mouth, your lips – they were pretty. Sweet, girly, mushy kind of pretty. I could stare all day and not get bored pretty.

Then I got this urge, to taste them. To reach out and cover them with my own. Do you know how hard it was to fight that? It took every ounce of self-restraint. But then I did, and it was better than I could ever have imagined.

Now, I love your lips. The way they kiss mine. Their softness. The way they switch from hot and passionate to sweet and kind in a moment. I never want to stop kissing them.

Okay, I've always wanted to ask: where do you get all those damn pretty dresses? Seriously Jess, I've never known a woman with so many clothes. Being a guy is much easier. I rotate a regular supply of flannel and henleys (heck, they're not even clean most of the time) and I think I look fine.

Sometimes it's like a fairy has puked up a rainbow. There have been days when I have been blinded by the color (yellow clothes should come with a warning early in the morning Jess!). And all those bows? Seriously?

But, I'm going to be straight with you. I hate to admit it – I started to like it. You remind me of a Disney princess: all bright and pretty and surrounded by flowers and stuff. When I'm having a crappy day I like seeing what you're wearing –it cheers me up. Okay, it started with me actually laughing and making a mental bet with myself as to what you would appear in each day. But then, I started to enjoy seeing you step out of your room, smelling all sweet like flowers.

I've never met a girl as, well, _girly_ as you before. And I like it.

I have to tell you - your eyes used to freak me out. They are _so_ damn big. And blue. And round. And gorgeous…

When you're mad they turn this greyish blue – like when the ocean is stormy. It's intense. The way you look at me when you're angry is so true and passionate, it scares me a little.

And then in another moment they change. Soft, kind, pretty eyes. Staring at me like I was something special. A pretty blue, like the flowers you sometimes put in the vase in the kitchen.

I remember the first time I noticed you looking at me when you thought I didn't know. We were on the sofa, you put on some 80's movie that you had begged me to watch with you; it was about some girl who liked pink or something.

Near the end I saw you looking at me. Your eyes were all round and glassy and curious looking. I could tell you were happy because they were colored this pale, watery shade- the color they turned when you talked about school, or baby animals or when you were baking. I watched you out of the corner of my eye, a smile was curving at your lips. Was I making you happy? How?

I felt warm inside and I wanted to smile but then you would have known. So I stayed quiet and let my mind imagine what was going through yours.

So now your eyes are one of my favorite things. The way they smile at me like I'm making you happy (am I?).

I'm rambling aren't I? I'm sorry.

I'll be honest. I'm still confused. You snuck up on me and all those little things I used to hate have become things I, um, love. Yes, love. I said it. Damn, can't take that back…

Where did you come from? How did I get so damn lucky to have you in my life?

I guess I'll never know.

But I need _you_ to know all this.

Love,

Nick


	2. Dear Nick

Dear Nick,  
Wow, that was... amazing.

I wasn't lying when I said this month has been the best of my life. It has. Honestly. I can't explain it other than to say things just feel right when I'm with you.

I remember when we first met. You were this hoodie-wearing, emotionally closed grump. Well at least that's what you wanted me to think. I saw something else. Maybe it started when you came to that restaurant - remember, when I was stood up? Or how you always seemed to be looking out for me. Underneath that thin veneer of mystery was a great guy. Looking back, I wonder why I (we?) didn't see things sooner. Maybe you did? We need to talk about that sometime.

I remember the first time you told me that you liked me. Of course, platonically... The look on your face was so honest and clear - I felt a little lump in my throat. You know I'd never had that with a guy. That kind of - relationship? I mean I'd had guy friends before - and Schmidt and Winston are great. But with you it felt different. More than just a friend. But not quite something else. You know what I mean?

Without realizing, you became one of my best friends; okay, for sure my best guy friend. You were the one I'd turn to when I needed help. I remember that night with Remy. You would not leave my side (okay - you were right...). So I sort of began to depend on you - you became my  
go-to guy when I was in a jam. Did you realize how much time we spent together?

That night out in the desert, when you decided to leave, it was...hard for me. I didn't want you to go. I told myself it was because Caroline was no good for you, and that was true, but it was more than that too. More than I was willing to admit to myself for a long time. I knew I'd miss you. I needed you around. Did you know it was Schmidt who made me suck it up and tell you to do what makes you happy? Crazy I know. But Nick, you need to understand that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Because when I met you, my life changed and it was better with you in it, even then.

The first time I saw you naked (sorry for laughing) was weird. I'd never thought about you in that way and then, well, there it was laid out in front of me. I'll admit I've always been a dork when it comes to sex - I spent most of sex ed the color of a beetroot (ironic that I teach it now - huh?). So seeing you in that way, I panicked.

And later I started to imagine, you know, stuff. Hot stuff. I brushed it aside - you were my roommate for Pete's sake! But it lingered in the back of my mind, and popped up in a dream or two.

On that note - do you actually realize how hot you are? And I don't mean that lightly. Seriously, Nick -for someone who until recently was not on familiar terms with soap and laundry, you have this damn likeable hotness which I'm a sucker for. That's part of what made friendship with you weird. There was always this layer of tension that cushioned the space between us. Did you feel it?

When you called me your fluffer it really got me thinking - was that what had happened between us? When I delved into my mind I worked out that you were actually right. We spent so much time together and relied on each other so much that we did everything but the thing that took it to another level. But at the time I really didn't think you (or even I) wanted that. That was not until a little later when it happened.

You know exactly what I'm talking about Miller! I mean, um, wow. Where did that come from? I still find that kiss hard to process, it came right out of left field there. One minute we were saying goodnight and the next minute, bam. Me melting to a Jess-shaped puddle. I didn't want it to end. I can admit that now. It was a damn fairy tale - okay? I'd never been kissed like that before.

With that came all these new feelings and emotions and questions. I was confused and then you, well, you ran away. And I was more confused. Were you my roommate? Or more? Why did you kiss me? But, if I'm honest, I wanted you to kiss me. I know that now. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before.

From that things grew and I started to look at you in a different way. But you were Nick, the guy across the hall. And then it happened again and, oh man, that damn fish tank...

When we finally went on that date/non-date I was at a fever point. It was make or break. I thought you wanted me but you couldn't say it. It was so infuriating. Getting back to the loft, inside I was begging you to grab me, push me against the wall. Make a damn move. That night I was so frustrated with you. Making me all hot and bothered and then running away. Never do that again, please!

This all meant that the night you did make a move (and boy, what a move) I was not expecting it. I'd made peace with the fact that you could never be that guy I needed, who took charge, and that was that. How wrong was I. It was hot and passionate and tender and so many adjectives that it could take me a whole page to explain.

If I haven't told you enough, I need to say, it's never been like this with anyone else Nick. Really, it's true. Something between us just works. I felt it that first night. I've never had a first time like that, it was... amazing. And that was just the start.

I guess my point is, I feel it too. I'm all in Nick. I'm excited to see where this will take us. Because if this has already been the best month of my life, I can't wait to see what comes next.

All my love,  
Jessica


End file.
